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trading position (very funny…)

The following exchange took place on Craigslist – the investment banker”s response is a classic!

Original Post

”What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board ? Any wives ? Could you send me some tips ? I dated a business man who made an average of around 200 – 250K. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won’t get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker, and lives in Tribeca. She’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right ? How do I get to her level ?
Here are my questions specifically:

– Where do you single rich men hang out ? Give me specifics – bars, restaurants, gyms

– What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

– Is there an age range I should be targeting ?

– Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the Upper East Side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘Plain Jane’ boring types, who have nothing to offer incredibly wealthy guys. Then I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the East Village. What’s the story there ?

– Lawyers, investment bankers, doctors. How much do those guys really make ? And where do the hedge fund guys hang out ?

– How do you rich guys decide on marriage vs. just a girlfriend ? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial – at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice hearth and home”.

An Investment Banker”s Response:

Dear Pers-431649184:

”I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I’m not wasting your time. I qualify as a guy who fits your bill – that is, I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it:

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is a plain and simple crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity – in fact, it is very likely that my income will increase, but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, however, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain – you’re 25 now and will likely remain pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 – stick a fork in you!

So, in Wall Street terms, we”d call you a trading position – not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to ”buy you” (which is what you’re asking) – so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following: if my money were to go away, so would you – so when your beauty fades I need an out too. It’s as simple as that. So the deal that makes sense for me is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as ”articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that, if you are as gorgeous as you say you are, your $500K man hasn’t found you – if only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money – and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic ”pump and dump”. I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, please let me know”.

Reader Comment:

1. If she piles on the weight, it”s likely to be ”plump and dump!”

2. ”The Investment Banker”s response is correct if you see the gold digger as providing only companionship, looks and sophistication.

However, some Investment Bankers may wish to have offspring carrying their genes into the next generation. This is a long-term contract, and you have to ”buy and hold” rather than ”lease”. Therefore this 25 year-old beauty should change her sales pitch to: ”I”ll give you nice children AND I”ll let you do whatever else you want on the side as long as you”re discreet”.

3. ”I hate to say it but, in the current environment, this Master of the Universe should ship her in asap. Then at least he”ll have a nice shoulder to cry on when he gets canned. We”re ALL depreciating assets these days. At least this young lady has some gumption as well as those spectacular good looks and style to fall back on”.

4. Response to investment banker:
”Ah! But I am an depreciating asset all right (for that matter, you are too – but your cash flow stream more than overcompensates for the toxicity of the future tummy expansion, and contraction of the hair). But the depreciating asset is a convertible one with two embedded options:

The first option is for conversion to a wife, preferably before the day that the hair / tummy factor becomes less than positive and cashflow benefits become more important. If you do not take up that wife-conversion option, then the expanding gut and thinning hair will require a constantly and exponentially increasing stream of invested earnings to attract young chicks.

The second option is that you have a put option on a baby (which is preferably contingent on the first option being exercised), safe in the knowledge that good genes will be passed on. You have to admit, the main reason why you investment bankers are so attractive is because you can make money. However, we have established information that those money-making genes do not travel very well. My good looks will probably be passed on though.

So, for an upfront investment in this depreciating asset will, in the long run, make your overall yield curve positive.

(Source – The Daily Salty)

Rob Campbell
Diversified Industrials Investment Banking
277 Park Avenue , 16/F, New York, NY 10172

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